Posts Tagged ‘GMAC ResCap’

6 Apr

Is this a Test ? Trying to figure Why….

Posted by timabraun in Christianity, dreams, Faith, goals, God, growing up, High School Reunion, Lifestyle, Mind, miracles, My Life, Personal development, philosophy, prayer, Random Thoughts, Recovery, relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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My life has been filled with so many wonderful things and so much abundance that I shouldn’t feel anything but gratitude for everything I have been blessed with.  for 48 of my 51 years in this life, things happened in a magical way, everything I visualized came to pass quickly and usually in a way that was even better than I had imagined.   I have always looked at every event in my life as having a purpose and tried to take negative events and turn them around to work for me.   This way of managing my life served me well and helped me become the person I am today.  In my early 20’s I became hooked on self development books and audio tapes and spent every extra penny I had on going to seminars, buying books and buying tapes that had a positive message.   My purpose and mission in life have been shaped by quotes that have stuck with me, like Zig Ziglar saying you can get everything you want in life by helping enough other people get what they want.  I have always tried to focus everything I have done in life on serving others and it always seem to come back to me.   My Grandfather was a big tipper and always did extra things and gave away money even though he didn’t have any extra money to give away, he would always say ” It will come back to him”, my Mother and Grandmother believed in the same philosophy.  Both my Mother and grandmother were totally selfless in their service to others.  I watched my Mother give up everything in her life to care for my Uncles, my Grandmother and any one else that needed help.  She always worked multiple jobs, very seldom having the opportunity to enjoy life outside of giving everything of herself to others.  I know she did this because she enjoyed being of service to people and I know people took notice because even today I will run into people who see my name when I am sending a package at FedEx and they will tell me to say hello to my mother and tell me how much they cared for her.   The thing I don’t understand is how some people who give so much of themselves to others never seem to get a break in their lives.  Is it  God testing them…Why does this happen ?

1999 was a fantastic year for me, in that I was on top of the world and firing on all cylinders, everything was clicking, I had no debt, I had a ton of money in the bank, I could do no wrong in the stock market and I could finally give my Mother something special for all she had given to me and others.   I was able to let her pick out a townhouse and buy it for her with the hopes that she would have a great place to live and could finally take the time to enjoy her life and do some thing for herself.  I had never forgotten what my Grandfather had said about it all coming back to me, so now that I had the money I wanted to help everybody I could.  I did some crazy things that made me feel great, like writing regular big checks to my Church and putting them in the offering envelope on Sundays always feeling s sense of satisfaction in having the ability to do things like that.  I signed up to give a large amount of money on a monthly basis to a favorite charity of mine called the “Smile Train” and found way to help people anonymously every chance I got.  I had read for years growing up about mysterious millionaires who handed out hundred-dollar bills to homeless people and always wanted to do that.  I also remember reading a book by Wayne Dyer in which he said that when someone asks you on the street for money, you shouldn’t try to figure out if they are going to use it for a good purpose, you should give freely simply because they asked.  I did that on a regular basis and always got a kick out of the looks on people’s face when I would hand them a large sum of cash just for asking.  It did seem that the more good I did like this that good things started to appear in my life that seemed directly related to my random acts of kindness. I got addicted to helping others, so much so that when I started my 3rd business in 2002, I tried to help people in business that I felt deserved my help.  I raised money for projects to finance people’s dreams, all the time believing that it would just lead to more good stuff.

I never stopped trying to give but in 2008 suddenly, nothing was coming back to me, my business was failing, while some people stepped into help, it wasn’t the kind of help I needed to turn things around.  Having always put other people first,  I borrowed against my home, stopped paying myself from the company and did everything possible to put my employees and my investors ahead of everyone including my own family.  The result was I lost my home of 26 years, lost my business, lost the ability to take care of my wife and family the way I always had.  Things continued to get worse through last year culminating today with the loss of the townhouse I purchased for my mother and an absolutely evil GMAC Mortgage not willing to work with me any way to ease my mother out of her townhouse and into another place to live.  They love the word eviction and they love to use it so much it kills me.  I can handle having myself being evicted but the pain of GMAC Mortgage telling me they are going to evict my mother from her home and knowing it is all my fault creates pain that is almost unbearable.  The last 60 days have been extremely difficult and brought me to this point I am at today having lost my Mother’s townhouse and seating with exactly $2.98 in cash in my pocket and two checking accounts that are overdrawn thousands of dollars.  How could I end up here when I have tried so hard to do the right thing and to help as many people as I can ?  Worse, I have found that many people I thought were close friends were only friends when I had tons of money and could entertain them and take care of them. 

So what is going on ?  Is this just another way of God and the Universe testing me to see just how much I can take ?  Why is this happening ?  Why do so many bad things happen to good people ?  I always believed it was a test, and I believed all the books I read and tapes I listened to that told me over and over that when you are at your darkest moment that you are at the point things are totally going to turn around.   I believed all of that, but the moments just keep getting darker.

So as I sit here this morning putting all my thoughts on my blog,  a part of me is devastated by my situation but a bigger part of me is at ease saying everything is going to be ok.  I have done alot of praying lately and have to admit some doubt had crept into my mind about whether God or the Universe was listening.  But then I woke up on Monday to find an email written in the middle of the night to me from a high school classmate who I haven’t seen since high school (34 years), he had sensed something was wrong and sent me a long email that was not only exactly what I needed to hear but was so intuitive that he had to somehow be connected to me via God to know what was going on.  His message alone was enough for me to continue to believe that no matter what challenge I am faced with I am not alone, God is always there walking beside me.   While I know who walks with me in everything I do, I am still completely at a loss to understand the whys of my situation.  Mike Dooley who is an author and the creator of the Notes from Universe series always talks about focusing on the end result you want to accomplish in your life and not to get caught up in the “Cursed Hows”, I think he is right but I think almost or maybe more importantly we should never get caught up in the cursed “Whys”.  Trying to figure out why something bad has happened to you when there is no logical reason is probably what leads to more of the same.  If I have learned anything from the trials and tribulations of the last few years, it is to not spend time figuring out why, it is unproductive and gets you focused on all the bad stuff that has happened.

Having been to the Highest Peaks in Life and now getting the opportunity to experience the lowest of lows, I do believe that what my friend Terry Lyles has said that everything in life is a gift.  If anything, I know that when I do turn things around, I will be even more focused on helping those in need and having experienced what I have over the past few years, I will be in the unique position of understanding the pain and challenges people feel when they are lost and in what seems like a hopeless spot.

From this moment forward, my sole focus is on the end result I hope to achieve, I am forgetting about why this all happened and while many people have told me that I need to take care of my family first and forget about everyone else, I will put my family first but will never forget about everyone else.  My purpose is to serve others and I intend to do everything I can to get back to that place of serving others.   I do know things are going to turn around, and I know that the last 3 years have been a gift especially since as tough as things were they pale in comparison to the terrible suffering the people of Japan are dealing with, as well as our service men who have made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.    This is the last time I am going to write about the tough stuff, from here on out, I focused on the good stuff.

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